I Want You, To Want Me: Frozen Embryo Transfer #3

15 May

You might remember that at the start of the year, my New Year’s resolution was to become a hormone-addled pregnant woman.

Well. We’re now in the third Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle, and a few things have changed.

For starters, this cycle began with an email.

Hi team,

I hope you’re all well.

My period has arrived which means it’s the start the 3rd Frozen Embryo Transfer Cycle.

For context, I had surgery to treat Asherman’s syndrome recently and the Professor told me this cycle and the next will have the highest chance of success, albeit 40%. Do you have a copy of these records from WHRIA?

Keen to give this the absolute best chance of success, as this is the second last embryo. We’ve had two transfers in the past, what changes will be made to my protocol knowing what we know now?

Best,
Bella*

And that question – what changes will be made, knowing what we know now? – mattered more than I realised when I wrote it.

It's me putting the clinic on notice.

We have two more shots left at getting me pregnant. This is the third embryo transfer. The stakes are higher due to Asherman's Syndrome and the professor's prognosis of 40% likelihood of falling pregnant.

If the last two cycles didn't work, what else can we do to give the next cycle a better chance?

Previously, I've done what's called a modified natural IVF protocol FET. It's where hormones are used to stimulate a dominant follicle (Gonal-F), thereby thickening the uterine lining, and then to trigger ovulation at a precise time (Ovidrel) for the embryo to be transferred. Then Ugestron to support the uterus in the luteal phase.

This time around, with the HRT protocol FET, my body has been effectively told:
Thank you for your service. We'll take it from here.

My understanding is that the HRT protocol completely suppresses natural ovulation and builds the lining from scratch using exogenous hormones.

I need to take Progynova 3x daily, scaling up from 1 to 2 to 3, then back down to two 2mg tablets. Combined with an Estrodot patch, changed every 3 days. Along with a daily Orgalutran injection to suppress ovulation. And finally, Ugestron pessaries 3 times a day once the lining is thick enough, starting before and continuing after the FET.

The result?
Visible when you're lying on the procedure bed, blue gel on your tummy and an ultrasound wand pressed into your very full bladder.

Very nice.

The biggest difference, aside from fewer injections, has been emotionally. I've found the HRT protocol to be much kinder on me emotionally and mentally. No huge crash like in previous cycles, where I've been so depressed I wanted to live in a cabin in the woods and make friends with possums and grow lentils with unbrushed, angry sea urchin hair. No irritable moods at all. Just a little weepy at times.

Personally, I'm all for the HRT IVF protocol for embryo transfer.

Surprise, enter spirituality

But perhaps the other big finding was the accidental discovery of spiritual support.

I say accidentally because this wasn't part of the plan, nor was it recommended, nor did I imagine when I booked a reading with a psychic medium to talk to my grandma after sitting next to a spiritual podcast host at a Forbes Women's Summit conference, that I'd end up with insights that would fundamentally shift how I approached this embryo transfer.

In the reading, the psychic medium told me he could see a spirit baby boy near my aura. My body is ready, but emotionally, I am still protecting myself.

Which landed hard. Because he was right.

The hard truth? I have been protecting myself instead of fully allowing myself to want this.

It wasn't hope that I needed. I needed to surrender. To believe. To manifest.

And it was then that I realised, the song that has been on repeat for the past week, "I want you, to want me", is a message from the spirit baby boy telling me that he needs me to want him.

Not as a sibling for Lainey.
But as a little person whom I want to nurture, shape and guide on his own path in life. Who I want a deep bond with.

The psychic medium told me to get a green juice, drive to the harbour, look out at the water, listen to music that resonated with me, and meditate while connecting with this baby boy in the now.

So I got a green juice, went to the harbour, and cried my eyes out into the water as I surrendered to the experience.
I want you, to want me.

Because deep down, we both want to be wanted by each other.

Then let me tell you, shit got weird on Frozen Embryo Transfer day.